COMMUNITY FORUM

MAY 6, 1994

GAY PEOPLE'S CHRONICLE 11

Empowerment now!

To the Editors:

As an activist in the HIV community in Cleveland, I was once again outraged by the incompetent, bureaucratic tactics of the agency called Health Issues Taskforce. Speaking to their board last November regarding services not being provided equally to clients and their severe communication problems to clients, nothing has been done to correct these problems. In addition, there

are no HIV positive persons represented on their board. Recently, the board also put policy into effect that no client is eligible for board membership. This is totally unacceptable! Empowerment of clients is a must for this agency, since the leadership already has shown that clients' concerns and needs are not their concerns. People in the HIV community need to stand up and be heard!

As for the board, they need to ask themselves why they are becoming an ineffective, uncooperative and non-empowering agency to the HIV community. If they can-

PSYCHED OUT

Navigating healthy relationships

by Keith Oliver, PhD

What is a healthy relationship? When two people come together, then try to share and make a life with one another, the obstacles can be overwhelming. Often society, work, family and friends are not supportive. Homophobia hidden away in our self as well as from others can contribute to not having a stable, healthy relationship. Old baggage and hurts often get in the way. As a result, trying to make a relationship work can be and is difficult.

One of the most important first steps is to identify the obstacles which are within your control. Some of these may be related to you as an individual, and some to you as a couple. These are the obstacles you can do something about. You can't change your family, your friends, or society. You can work on changing yourself. Your partner can work to change their self. Together you can focus on your relationship.

It takes two people to have and co-create a relationship. Both must take ownership and put equal effort into the relationship. It only takes one person to end or decide not to work on a relationship. When issues do come up, try to frame them as opportunities to enhance intimacy rather than just another problem or indication that it's a bad relationship.

There are various strategies for improving your relationship. These strategies require that you as an individual and you as a couple are able to: communicate; be aware

Angels

From previous page

of and express your feelings and wants; be able to fight fair; be willing to be honest; be able to forgive (and try to forget); be able to listen; and to be able to negotiate. The strategies for improving your relationship involve using the above skills in an active and ongoing way.

Perhaps the first question to ask yourself is, "Am I experiencing a healthy, satisfying relationship?" If your relationship results in feeling energetic and excited rather than lethargic and sad; if there is a high level of trust rather than a lack of trust; if you are able to work through conflicts rather than ignore them or become silent; if your best friend is each other rather than someone else; if you have meaningful, rather than superficial talks; if you have a passionate sex life, rather than passionless; and, if you say no to outside expectations to protect the relationship, rather than living such a busy and chaotic life that your relationship is ignored, then most likely you have a satisfying relationship. If not, it may be time to begin to explore the reasons behind the lack of fulfillment, then take corrective steps.

You might start by asking yourself: Do I put others before my partner? Do I try to communicate my feelings? Do I listen to my partner? Do I act helpless? Am I totally honest? Do I keep secrets? Am I considerate of my partner's time, feelings, wants, interests, etc.? Do I expect my partner to take care of me and make me feel adequate? Do I play emotional or mind games with my partner? These are some of the ways you may be contributing to co-creating an unsatisfying relationship.

If your relationship is not all you want it to be, or if you feel stuck in an unhealthy or abusive relationship, it may be time to make a change. You may find it helpful to get some books on relationships, couples or professional.

how it was, how it got here and how you do intimacy, or to seek the assistance of a

it every day.

To Juliann Fausel for making the AIDS Walk a striking success, for bringing back ponytails and for always introducing her mom to me, who, by the way, is as charming as Juliann.

To David Gauchat who whips up pastry and cookies and cakes for everything from the Fetish Party at Ascherman's to well... you name it, and the best part is, he often "forgets" to charge.

To Jon Brittain, whose flowers are always there, looking lovely and his commitment to making sure everything is beautiful. A friend we can count on.

I am sure I have forgotten someone of vital importance and I'll hear about this too, but that's okay with me, I am doing the best I can with what I got. Any recommendations? Send them off to me in care of the Chronicle and maybe I'll do another one of these in the Fall.

Stay Fabulous!

♡

Dr. Oliver is a psychology post-doctoral intern with Mark Harris and Associates GAY GAMES IV & CULTURAL FESTIVAL

JUNE 18-25, 1994 NEW YORK CITY (212) 633-9494

not let clients take active roles in involvement in their own lives, why are they in existence? We might be sick, however, our minds still work, and who else really knows our needs better then us?

Again, I've asked the board to put out a monthly newsletter, with a detailed resource directory for our HIV community, so we can obtain the services we need. Second, an open forum for clients to address their concerns directly to the board, which should be advertised in the Chronicle. And, last, empowerment to people in the HIV Community by establishing at least 3 seats on their board to HIV positive people. Nothing less will do!

I also ask ACT UP, the Citizens Committee on AIDS, Mayor White, and the Chronicle to investigate Health Issues Taskforce. Someone needs to ensure the HIV community that this agency is following through on providing services equally, communicating to their clients, and giving empowerment back to clients who want to take an active role on the board in representing themselves.

As for the HIV community, I offer you

the challenge to do something for yourselves and the community you belong to. Represent yourself, because Health Issues Taskforce is not! Maybe a sleep-out on their doorstep with the press is overdue, what do you think?

Michael Philp

Community Forum

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SPEAK OUT

Confessions of a lapsed lesbian-separatist

by Betsy Tabac

I remember now why I was a lesbian separatist in the 1970s. When I worked with men I had to constantly evaluate whether to pay attention to the process or the product. In addition, I did not like feeling invisible and not valued. It wasn't nice to work hard for something I believed in while being shut out of all meaningful decisions about the work. Having to fight for equal rights and equal responsibility was a fight I wasn't willing to have.

It turns out I am still not willing to engage in that fight. After two recent unhappy forays into the world of working with men on gay rights issues, I've decided in the future to be clear about my expectations for the group and gain agreement on those expectations before joining another effort.

These are the things I think should occur when gay men and lesbians work together. Other people may have other items that could be included on this list. If so, I'd love to see them.

1. Lesbian feminists should participate equally in all policy decisions that come before the organization. This doesn't mean

that I think we should get their way all the time. It does mean we would win sometimes.

2. Lesbian feminists should have decision-making authority over ? significant segment of routine decision

3. We should share control of the group's resources: time, money, volunteers, equipment, mailing lists, access to people with influence.

4. The goals of the organization should include issues that affect lesbians. These goals should be articulated every time the organization's mission is stated.

5. Lesbians should be visible in leadership positions. Examples are when making statements to the press or when facilitating meetings.

Some gay men say they want to work with women. Some resent the fact that so few of us join them. Others seem to think they are the only ones who pay for things that benefit homosexuals. Making the existing and emerging homosexual organizations friendly to women will be a large first step in having all of us work together for our common good.

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